HUGE work in progress

soooo several months back i joined a dnd club at my school because i had always wanted to play it but never had the opportunity to, and this seemed like a good way to finally get into it. we only meet once a week on fridays, and the club started around a month or two after school had started, so we haven't had many meetings. all the meetings so far have just been for learning about the game without actually playing or making characters. last month, these meetings finally ended and we got assigned to our campaigns. i got assigned to a really cool one, btw, has to do with multiverse stuff and cowboys (cowboy rant later in this entry. it is an odd new interest of mine.) i actually started making my character long before we were supposed to but it was really just making an appearance... i really wanted to play as an aarakocra because i saw a really cool bird and decided i needed to make a character based on it (bearded vulture, btw).
aaanyway, now that we were allowed to start working on character sheets, i've gone insane. i seem to have developed a hyperfixation on it, because all i do every day is think about what my character's backstory is like, what she would wear, how she would act, etc, as i draw i put dnd related videos on in the background, i've started reading several player handbooks to help me, and yet my character sheet is mostly empty lmaooo cuz i want to wait to work on it with my group since i'm very inexperienced, i have never played before, and i don't want to have things set in stone in case it conflicts with the others. my character is partially based on a meme but i'm taking her seriously so she isnt just a joke character although her name is very goofy and i really hope i'm allowed to keep her that way because it's really funny but it's easy to ignore. i'm also making up a whole ass god for her to worship (she is a cleric) since i didn't like any of the available ones lol.
aand about the cowboy thing.... recently i watched night at the museum for the first time and there are two certain characters who i liked a lot more than i thought i would. people always say that the cowboy and roman general were gay for eachother and honestly. yes. yes they are. for whatever reason my interest in these guys spiraled into just cowboys, specifically the general concept of gay cowboys?? idk man. i watched an entire 40 min youtube video about how queer cowboys/girls were very much a thing. and then a video by the same youtuber about gay cowboy movies. and today i watched one of the movies mentioned, zachariah (1971). If you are reading this. Listen. Listen to me. Go to the internet archive. Search for Zachariah 1971 under movies. And watch it. You must. it's not even a crazy good movie, but it was oddly enjoyable and the characters are very interesting to me. i genuinely cannot stop thinking about them. it's a very weird movie, has a lot of weird choices in it, but you HAVE to watch it. at one point i started tearing up because of the main characters having a little fight and separating. of course i plan on watching brokeback mountain next, i know that one is very well known and a friend personally told me they really liked it. soooo yeah now i cannot stop thinking about gay cowboys, its so bad i was listening to a song and halfway through it my mind went "wow this is so gay cowboy coded" and i had to stop and reflect on that for a moment. and i wasn't even wrong. the song is drone by this ascension btw. shoutout to this ascension they made very nice music and the singer/vocalist has a very nice voice and she is a huge nerd. okay wow this was surprisingly long, goodbye guys and happy new yearrrr!

i woke up today to some pretty bad news, but i'm trying to stay positive in spite of that, and what better way of staying positive than writing about the holidays? aanyway, i know i'm not much of a christmas guy, i much prefer halloween, but christmas is still really awesome. i got really nice gifts this year that i can't wait to use!! fiirst of all, my sister got me the scourge plushie ^w^ its so cute and the texture is much nicer than i expected, its really soft and cute!! here's a picture of it from the official warriors website, btw: i also got a mannequin, which without context seems weird, but i'm participating in a project where i have to make a dress out of recycled materials, and a mannequin would be a pretty big help. it's also good for diy stuff and clothing stuff in general, which i wanna get into. i got a sewing machine, which, again, is helpful for what i just mentioned, and a sewing kit with a bunch of different colored threads. very cool, and i'm really happy with all of it! i also got new shoes which look cool, they're customized converse!
to move onto another topic, a lot of people have been claiming that this year it feels like christmas wasn't... christmasy. people have kept saying this about every holiday since 2020. and you know what i think? i think it's mostly your own fault. if you're not getting yourself into the christmas spirit, of course it's just going to feel like a day where you randomly give and get gifts. listen to christmas carols, watch christmas movies, drink hot chocolate, etc. i usually don't even like christmas much but i listened to a lot of carols and i felt really christmasy!
and the final topic i'll mention is: christmas on the internet! it's always fun seeing how different websites celebrate holidays. on chickensmoothie, there was an advent calender type thing, where each day you would get a new gift, which was either a litter of pets or a bunch of items. on the 18th is the rerelease day, where you get the chance to get old rares and really valuable pets, including an 'unreleased' pet, which... i happened to get! it's a cute baby snake:

there's also an item rerelease, and i didn't get anything that valuable, but i still got some cool stuff! there's also a secret santa event run by players and the person who got me was so generous, they gave me one of my dreamies, spottedleaf!

hi, over the past few weeks i have been incredibly inactive on here, making little to no updates... sorry about that! i've been feeling pretty out of it, and then i took a short trip to another state where i didn't have my computer, so i couldn't code. and then this past week i've been super busy and also feeling pretty bad, like, i've been trying to sell simple commissions priced quite cheaper than they should be since tuesday, and not a single person has shown interest even though i think my examples look really good. i've been having awful luck, i've been coming home really tired from school, i have so many assignments i need to work on, aaaand while writing this i just remembered something i have to do TODAY. ugh. guys im so cooked. im actually done for. today i was supposed to have two tests that i was not ready for, and before my first one, which was a memory-based thing that i had fully forgotten to study for, i started sobbing in class and the teacher felt so bad for me that she just let me take it another day. then i had a math test and it was going to get postponed due to most of the class voting for that until my friend for whatever reason said some dumb shit which made the teacher change her mind and make us take the test!!! i was lowkey pissed but my friend did it on accident and i just felt bad for them. and even though i suck ass at math, i locked in and turned in that test somewhat confidently. i really hope i got at least a C. i cant take another d in that class. idk my week has just been. interesting. i had some good highlights tho, for ex. i made a post on tumblr that got over 3000 notes, and i got a really cool character given to me for free which i love dearly. i had a really good donut yesterday. i can feel my art getting better, and i have to go to a friend's party tomorrow, which i am both nervous and excited for.

good lord. im so done with everything. i was bored so i searched up random characters with x next to their name to see who they were commonly shipped with. Bitch be so for real right now WHATTTTTTTT THE FUCK ARE SOME OF THESE SHIPS BRO....... look. i'm not the type of person to harrass and send death threats to 'proshippers'. but i will say. i fucking hate them and think they are annoying as fuck. tbh my opinion is more nuanced than this but when it comes to most proshippers i hate them. who the fuck is out here deadass shipping tengen with ZENITSU????? FOR WHAT REASON???????? THE WHOLE GROWN ASS MAN WITH THREE WIVES... WITH A TEENAGE BOY. WHYY BRO. OUT OF ALL THE GROWN MEN AND WOMEN IN DEMON SLAYER WHY DID YOU CHOOSE A LITTLE BOY. BE SO FOR REAL. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY CHEMISTRY????? dont even get me started with giyu and tanjiro bruh that ship is so stupid. and then there's the ships that arent even 'proships' but are still odd as fuck. why genya and muichiro?? like im not even mad im just curious?? why them? im racking my brain for why someone would ship them and i cant understand it?? tbf im not done with demon slayer, i need to read infinity castle, but like. theres no way they would magically have chemistry in the last arc of the series, right???? anyway if i had to say there were any demon slayer ships i like, i have to admit that i dont care much for shipping the characters in it, but i think sabito and giyu is an interesting one, same with tanjiro and that one butterfly girl, i forgot her name :(
also the other day i saw a really bad take on volo and it was so bad that i literally blocked it out of my memory. i cannot remember it i just know it was horrible. anyway i should be allowed to legally kill anyone with bad takes on my favorite characters

around last week i made a chickensmoothie account, and let me just say, i am absolutely obsessed. describing the game makes it sound so stupid, but somehow it's so fun and addicting that i've spent several hours doing nothing but sending trades and checking on my pets. there seems to be a lot of drama surrounding the game and stuff but i mostly ignore it because.. i don't really care? like, yeah, i am in a discord server with a known scammer, which is kinda scary LOL but as long as i avoid them i think i'm fine. most people on the game seem to be super nice, because the amount of free things i've been gifted is INSANE. like, one guy i had never spoken to before just gave me 380 pets, some of them even being RARES, just because i'm a new player. and another one gave me an OLD RARE, which, recent rares are already good, but older rares from 2012 and such are so hard to get... and they just gave it to me for free?? i'm so happy and grateful, these people are way too nice lol. also, let me talk about warrior cats for a bit. the preview for the next arc, changing skies, was released, and i am genuinely so excited, more than i ever have been for any warrior cats related thing. the next arc seems like it has a lot of potential. so basically, the most interesting thing about it is one of the protagonists - moonpaw. i think moonpaw might genuinely be one of, if not the, most interesting pov character. she's a chimera cat, meaning that in the womb she basically absorbed her sibling, so now she is basically two different cats simultaneously (if any of this is incorrect sorry!!). it seems that now the sibling she absorbed is a ghost that follows her around and talks to her. her parents and clanmates assume that it's an imaginary friend, but the ghost is real. my favorite scene in the preview is when moonpaw goes on her first training session, catches a glimpse of her reflection in the water, and freaks out because there is a small pale orange cat behind her. her ghost sibling is pretty funny too, i hope she doesn't end up being evil because that would be really dumb and boring. she keeps telling moonpaw to not tell anyone else about her or else they'll force her into being a medicine cat, which is probably true.

sooo the other day i made a header image for an account on a site, and it was just some little doodles of creatures, one of them was a cuttlefish-alien character i've had for a while now (feri's companion, actually), one of them was a guy i had made up for a comic i was making with one of my friends, and the third was a worm/dragon/serpent creature based on a dog character from that comic. that third character, idk why, has been the only thing i can draw for the past few days. in class i find myself doodling it on the side of my notebook, i doodled it on the post-it-note i keep on my computer, i keep drawing it on ibis-paint x, and i really find it fun to draw and want to turn it into some sort of 'original species'. when i say that, i'm not really talking about those species where you have a list of traits and people can either:
make whatever they want for free
or they have to pay you real life actual money to own a generic furry with food elements.
i'm not really planning on advertising this as a species where you can make your own character of it?? if that makes sense?? i just want to have a made up species that i can play around with, maybe make characters with different colors and wing types. it'd be fun to somehow involve them in my other works but i'm not sure they fit in anywhere, maaaybe they would in the cephalopod magical girl story as some sort of magical creature but they aren't really inspired by ocean creatures so i don't think it would work out. also i think it would be fun to give the species a name?? as of right now the only things i have to work with is that they are some sort of dragon or serpent, but they don't resemble any existing 'types' of dragons, the closest is an amphithere but those usually have feathers and only one pair of wings. maybe i could do something with "tri ales serpens" which means three winged serpent? i dunno. i know technically they have six wings but...... the translation for six in latin is a bit unfortunate.

i really like aliens. like, i really really really like aliens. especially depictions of them as lgm (little green men). i have several alien items, including: the build a bear alien, the ikea alien, alien earrings, an inflatable alien, an alien plushie meant for dogs, and a tiny alien from a random kids toy that i got just for the alien inside. my website has a sort of alien theme to it, with my sona being in a ufo and all the starry backgrounds. my room has a bunch of space things too. several of my tamanotchis have alien-related names (ovni is the term for ufos in spanish [objeto volador no identificado, iirc]! and it's also a name i'm considering for myself lmao). so yes its clear i really like aliens. but i think i might be shifting over to liking vampires a lot as well? it started with me deciding to be a vampire for halloween and it spiraled from there. the other day i literally told my sister that i wished i could go out every day looking like a vampire. i like the 'aesthetics' associated with vampires, like the color combination of black and dark red, the dark and gloomy colors in general, the fancy clothes, basically everything. lmfaoooo maybe this can be the new two sides of my fursona. one side is an alien and the other is a vampire. it would be fun to try to give my website a split theme, where half of the screen is alien themed (as it is now) and the other side is vampire themed (more like my about me page). i wonder how i would do that though... i'd probably have to make the wallpapers be split directly down the middle but idk how i would change the text and stuff. i really like this idea though.

the past few days have been pretty good, i don't really know what to talk about specifically... well, on saturday i dyed my hair black, which i'm really happy about. i feel like it really suits me and the whole thing i'm going for. it goes really well with the clothes i wear (mostly black + darker colors). now that i'm thinking about this more, i feel like my life is kind of coming together, a lot of my interests are starting to make more and more sense when you put them next to eachother, and it feels like it's been a natural progression over the past few months. like before i was more like a wad of gum sticking to a bunch of random things but now it's more like... all of my interests make a lot of sense for me as a person and it's pretty clear how all of them tie into who i am. for example, that one youtube channel, "i can't sleep", the character calne ca, nashimoto-p and other 'darker' vocaloid music, are all things that i like and when i think of it all together they kinda match. idk where im going with this tbh. anyway PEOPLE KEEP COMPLIMENTING ME ON MY HAIR AND ITS SO EMBARRASSING....... like idk what to say............ i just go like "umm thank you!!...." but like its so awkward. also im drawing a ref for my rlly cringe warrior cats ace attorney crossover. i wanna actually make a game for it so bad but it would be so hard to come up with a storyline for it

being multigender is such an odd experience. when i began to identify as bigender instead of transgender, it felt like i had been living in a pond and suddenly i had been dropped into a whole ocean of people like me. my understanding of myself and other people's understanding of me had been so... limited until then, and i sort of felt like an outlier among other ftm people. while i identified heavily as a guy, i had become more and more aware of the fact that..... i didn't mind being referred to as a girl much either. this scared me. i thought that maybe i wasn't trans at all, and i had been lying to myself for the past few years.
but that wasn't it; it's not that i wasn't transgender at all, it's that i was transgender in a way i had never considered before. before this year, i never realized that it was possible to be more than one gender at once - i thought the closest thing to that was being genderfluid, which of course was not what was i was feeling. i'm still not sure how it is that i found the term bigender, but i'm sure it must have been on tumblr or something, and my deepest thanks to whoever wrote the post that made me realize who i am. knowing that i didn't have to pick one or the other or neither was so refreshing, that i didn't have to shove part of myself down just because others wouldn't understand it, or pretend to be something i'm not.
and while the multigender online space seems to be incredibly accepting, the way that outsiders view us hurts. because they often have such a limited view of what we're like. jesus christ, if i ever have to read another tumblr post saying something along the lines of "ok you MIGHT CALL YOURSELF a BOYGIRL FREAK but we all know that secretly you hate TRANS WOMEN!!!!!!" im going to seriously consider deleting my account. it's just so incredibly weird to me and it honestly feels like they really do see us as freaks and want to attack us and the best way they can think to do that is by making it seem like all of us are on the wrong side of the Current Tumblr Dot Com Issue. it's always felt like a targeted attack on us. (don't even get me started on the people who try to make it seem like trans women and trans men are mortal enemies...... the people stirring up infighting are so odd.)
and to bring up another issue, i keep seeing people attack those who use contradictory labels. maybe at some point in the past, i would've even been one of those attackers - but now, having the perspective of someone whose gender identity itself could be viewed as contradictory - i don't really care. is the trans guy calling himself a lesbian because he heavily aligns with lesbian experiences really that big of a problem? isn't being a trans man and being a lesbian so heavily intertwined as well? i've read better explanations of this.... i know i might not be phrasing things that well but i hope i'm getting my point across. but back to the contradictory labels. in being multigendered, your label will always be contradictory. someone will always get upset over what you call yourself. i've literally seen a bigender lesbian get told that they need to identify as bisexual because they're also a man. which...... that's... not how it works... you can't just tell someone how to identify jesus christ... recently i've also discovered a term that i really like for describing my.. sexuality?? idk i specifically mean attraction in a romance way rn. i think it was sapphichillean/sapphic achillean. basically being attracted to girls as a girl and being attracted to boys as a boy. which. damn. that is so immensely accurate in a way that bisexual never was. my attraction to girls is strictly from my 'girl side', and vice versa with being a boy. idk how to end this so i'll end it with one of my favorite quotes from that one screenshot of a youtube comment. How strange it is to be anything at all